Models of Relationships ? Bookram

07 Aug 2012

by Bookram in Uncategorized

I?m not exactly the ?relationship-normative? sort of person; I look at relationships differently than a lot of people (I?d hazard that I look at them differently than most people. Now, that?s pretty obvious to anyone who reads this blog that I do have some very different ways of approaching relationships. I?ve been refining my ideas lately (aka, talking to BF about them), and I?ve realized that I could probably describe different relationships with radar charts.

For those that don?t know what radar charts are, they look like spiderwebs. Here?s one:

Super nifty, right? In fact, that?s the kind of radar chart that we?re going to be using for this post:

?

So, if we take a look at these charts, we can see that we can form relationships from different? let?s call them flavors, different flavors, at different intensities. So like a relationship cake, but instead of a banana-mint cake, it?s a sexual-intellectual cake. Or whatever.

I don?t look at relationships as particular discrete groups, this is your romantic relationship, this is your friend relationship, this is your family, business, whatever relationship. I don?t even think of them on a line between platonic and romantic, or even 2D grid, where you have varying amounts of platonic-ness and romantic-ness and sexual-ness or whateverness. Instead, you?ve got different ?flavors? that can be incorporated into your relationships, and varying degrees of it. You could be with someone that pings super-high on all of them, you could be with a couple people who are all a mismash.

This brings up the question, of course, of what defines a ?relationship? verses any other interaction, acquaintance or whatever. Now, I?d wager that everyone would probably have a different idea as to what that entails, but something that always prompts me to start thinking about my status with someone else is the amount of commitment I have with them. Are we committed to this relationship, and to each other? Are we committed to improving this relationship and staying in each other?s lives? Or are we just ships passing at sea?

(Or if I sleep with them, which always prompts me to think about this, which is a Bad Bad idea, experience has taught me, but I?m working on that.)

That being said, this isn?t all the different ?flavors? that could form a relationship. Off the top of my head, I can think of a few additional ones: amount of publicness (is it private, or is it something that everyone knows about?), commitment (regardless of what I said above, the amount of commitment people have really?flavors?their interactions, har har), and socialness (is it largely a relationship that?s explored socially, or privately 1 on 1? [and I retain the rights to believe that someone could have an extreme amount of all "flavors" and never interacting with them in private]). But the ones I?ve got probably give a good enough background to consider one?s relationships in.

A quick breakdown of what each of the points are (and what they actually mean is eternally up for debate (especially what a ?romantic relationship? actually is), but for the sake of this post this is what the definitions are):

Aesthetic: They are pretty and you like to stare at them.

Recreational:?You have things/hobbies/activities that you like to do with them.

Spiritual:?You have similar morals, values, and goals for yourself.

Kinky:?Your kink-factors line up (this is NOT necessarily sexual, for those who aren?t well-initiated into kinkdom. There are a lot of kinks that have nothing to do with sex [for example, some people feel especially fulfilled doing dishes for someone else, but it's not necessarily a "turn on"])

Emotional:?You?re emotionally open to them/emotionally intimate/vulnerable, and they are to you.

Sexual:?You are sexually compatible with them.

Romantic:?This one?s tough, but (to me) it?s essentially ?I love you just because?, not ?I love you because of this thing?. It?s ?contentless?, technically irrational because there?s no ?reason? for it. It?s like ?I miss you for no reason just because I want to?, or something along those lines. The ?I?m?in?love with you? thing. The floaty buoyant feeling you get, that sort of thing. If you have no idea what I?m talking about,?you are not alone.

Intellectual:?You share ideas and opinions, or you enjoy talking about your ideas/opinions with them. They?re open and understanding to you, even perhaps if you don?t completely line up 100%.

Sensual/Affectionate:?Physical, non-sexual affection. Kisses and cuddles and that kind of junk, along with feeling comfortable with doing so.

Have we made it all the way around? I think so?

Now, some more practical examples!, because I haven?t made this post long enough yet.

Let?s take a look at three (randomly generated [aka, I smashed my finger on the number pad]) relationships with three people: Mako, Bryant, and Karen.

Let?s look at Mako (blue) first. We see that Mako?s spikes are at emotional, intellectual, and kind of at aesthetic, spiritual, and sexual. So we can assume that mine and Mako?s relationship probably involves a lot of intellectual conversation where we tie our ideas and beliefs and opinions with our emotions and past; our ideas kind of line up, but we?re okay enough with each other to respect the other?s opinions. I find Mako kind of cute and we may fool around every once in a while, but the important part of our relationship would be that we can talk for long hours into the night about our views and reflections on the world without being afraid of judgement. We certainly love each other, but we?re not ?in love?, and don?t really think about each other often when we?re apart.

Now Bryant (red). I think Bryant is fucking balling and is great in bed, so I sleep with him a lot and stare at him quite a bit as well. We know each other quite a bit, and we understand and respect each other, but we don?t have a whole lot in common outside that. If I?m having issues, he?ll listen and understand, but that?s not the most important component of our relationship.

And lastly, Karen (yellow). Maybe I?m not bisexual in this world, so I?m not that into Karen aesthetically, but that?s okay. We?re like super-duper besties: we think almost exactly the same, we text each other all the time, we interrupt each other?s alone time with ?BITCH WHERE YOU AT I NEED ME SOME KAREN TIME?. We?re legitimately upset when we don?t see each other, we spend tons of time together, and maybe she really likes it when I tell her to come wash my dishes because she likes being bossed around some. Maybe we enjoy talking about some philosophical aspects about movies, and we buy each other stupid gifts from dollar stores because we?re thinking about each other all the time and OH MY GOD I need to get her this little glass horse because she loves horses.

And of course me and my three buds here have a sort of commitment, whether it be actually stated (which it will probably be if you?re involved with me) to keep at the relationship and always contribute to and support the relationship. And I would consider all three of them to be relationships in some way, because we all share a certain amount of intimacy, even though society might label them as friends with benefits, fuck buddies, and Normal Female Friendship, respectively.

Now this has gone on for way too long, but you should tell me what you think about all this and/or what your own models of relationships are.

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Source: http://bookram.wordpress.com/2012/08/07/models-of-relationships/

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